I don’t know why I don’t write more. Well, I know why I don’t write – there seems to be no time lately with an active 5 year old and his equally active 19-month-old brother.
I like to write. I always have. It is my release. Writing helps my thoughts make sense.
Seven years. Seven – how can that be? Just writing that makes me feel like it was SO long ago. There are some days that I feel like seven years has crawled by and there are other times when it feels like just yesterday.
When I searched for the words that I wanted to write here today, I kept thinking "wow, I wish I would have known that seven years ago" or "why didn't someone tell me that". So, seven years later I wrote myself something that I wish I would have had.
Life will change in bigger ways than you can ever imagine. In the blink of an eye, it will all be gone and your worst nightmare will come true. You will have to learn how to start over. You can’t rebuild your entire life in a week and it will take time to feel whole again, try to remember that.
You will find strength that you never knew you had. Some days feels like you have to dig to the deepest part of your soul for your strength, but know that it is there. There will be days that you don’t feel strong and you want to give up – don’t! You are so much stronger than you look and feel, you MUST hold on to it!
Cherish every single moment, especially the small ones. In your darkest hours, the small memories will get you through. And much later in life, it will be the small memories that will allow your children to be a part of your past. The small memories will help them to know the angels they never got to meet.
Grief is funny. We all go through the same experience, but process it completely different. Some will lash out in anger, some will withdraw and some will need to escape. It’s okay. There really isn’t a rule book for what you are going to go through. You are allowed to be angry, sad, confused, scared and different – and so is everyone else. Don’t let grief be the defining moment in relationships.
It is inevitable that you will change. There are days you won’t recognize yourself. You will be angry and you aren’t an angry person and you won’t like who that anger will make you become. Let it go. You can’t change what happens. The day you release the anger, you will feel so much lighter. Forgiveness will be an important word in your life. Not only is it okay to forgive but it is essential, it will be the only way you can move on.
People will continue to amaze you. The generosity, kindness, love and compassion the people in your life show you will be mind blowing. People will encourage you and lift you up. People want to be there for you, let them. I know you have a hard time asking for help, but do it. You can’t do this on your own, let the people that love you in. Having your loved ones around you will be only way you can survive this. Learn to speak the words “I need you” and you will be surprised in all the ways people will be there for you.
It’s okay to cry. It’s a release. Crying isn’t a sign of weakness. Learn to do it more. Perhaps if you cried more often and released it, seven years later you wouldn’t feel like you could break down at any moment.
Talk about them. When someone dies, they become a taboo subject. People think that by not mentioning them it will hurt you less, the reality is it will hurt you more. Memories will only live on for as long as you let them. Your children will NEED to hear the funny stories, the sad stories and the every day stories. Continue to talk to people as though they were alive, encourage communication, recall stories, celebrate their life.
Love is so powerful. You will find love in the most unexpected places. You will find love from family, friends, strangers and people that will surprise you. Hold on to that love. Know that they love they feel for you isn't because of pity, but because they care. The love you will find, both old and new, in the next seven years will be your lifeline.
In your children, you will see the best of them. There will be a smile, a look or a laugh and the memories will come flooding back. You will see the heart of your mom and the mind of your father. You will hold them and know that they handpicked each of them for you. They filled them will love and life, long before they sent them to you.
I am a mess of emotions today. In one moment I feel like I am holding it together and in another moments I am just a girl that misses her Mom and Dad.
I know that I will get through today. I know that looking at my boys and loving them will help. I know that the love, prayers and thoughts I feel from all of my friends will sustain me.
I love you, Mom and Dad and miss you in ways that I never imagined possible.