October 22, 2005.
It feels like a lifetime ago, yet the pain is still so fresh and raw. I can remember every detail of “that day” and recall every emotion that I felt.
In the past three years, I have grown and changed in ways that my Mom and Dad will never see. I have become so much more than they ever knew me as. I have become a better wife, a home owner and most importantly, a MOM! It makes me sad to know that they will meet the person that I am now – for it is now, I feel like I have become so much more than I ever gave myself credit for!
These past three years haven’t been easy. There were so many times that I have wanted to run and call them. I have needed to share with them the good news as well as the bad. I have picked up the phone and dialed their numbers, forgetting for a moment that they wouldn’t answer. There have many times that I have cried out to God and wondered why me!?! I have wanted to turn back the hands of time so many times – if only I could persuade them not to go out that day! There have been so many moments in the past three years that I would have given anything to have them back for, even for just a day! There have been many days where I have felt like giving up and it was in those days that my Mom and Dad inspired me and gave me the hope to continue on. I knew that as my angels they would see that for every sorrow I was experiencing, I would also experience a joy. I have taken heart and found strength in knowing that they would find a way to make sure I felt whole again (or at least mostly whole).
These past three years have been incredible, emotional, heartbreaking, amazing and unbelievable. It is crazy to know that I have pretty much felt every emotion under the sun! I have experienced unspeakable sorrow and unimaginable joy. I have picked myself up through my darkest days and I was rewarded with one of my happiest days. I have watched two of the most important people be taken from me and was given the gift of another.
Three years ago, I was not a mom – today, I am! My Mom and Dad provided me with the joy I needed and I see it every day in Alex’s eyes!
While I am proud of myself for overcoming the past three years with strength and perseverance, my eyes often fill up with tears for the future. As hard as these past three years have been, it is heartbreaking to know that I still have to live a lifetime without them. I will never be able to experience so many things with them. Things that other people that for granted. My Mom and Dad will never be able to hold my child(ren). My child(ren) will never be able to experience a life with Grandma Kathy and Grandpa Jim. If there was one thing in life that my parents were looking forward to, it was becoming Grandparents. I know that they would have taken that role VERY seriously. It hurts to know that there is so much of my future left and so much of my time here on Earth left without them. There are often times when that thought is so overwhelming and it actually feels like my heart is aching – a true and hurtful physical pain! However, it is in those times that I am gently reminded that I need to face my future, just as I have faced my past – ONE DAY AT A TIME!! It is with the strength of my husband, son and parents that I will carry on.
Someone recently asked me if I was happy with my life. The answer is so very bittersweet! I am happy with the person that I have become, the man that I have married, the son that I am raising, the home that we have created and the life that I am starting to live! However, there will always be a missing part of my life. The person that I am today, I don’t know if I would have been if they were still alive and after three crazy years, I can finally say that I like me and I like who I have become! So, the answer to that question… “Am I happy with my life?” Yes, mostly! I wish my life was exactly like it was today AND my Mom and Dad were still a part of it!
I pray every day that I am growing into a woman that they would be proud of and a woman that they would be happy to claim as their daughter. I pray that they are happy with the way that I am living my life. I pray that they continue to watch over Larry, Alex and I.
October 22, 2008.