Seven Years...

I don’t know why I don’t write more.  Well, I know why I don’t write – there seems to be no time lately with an active 5 year old and his equally active 19-month-old brother. 

I like to write.  I always have.  It is my release.  Writing helps my thoughts make sense. 

Seven years.  Seven – how can that be?  Just writing that makes me feel like it was SO long ago.  There are some days that I feel like seven years has crawled by and there are other times when it feels like just yesterday. 

When I searched for the words that I wanted to write here today, I kept thinking "wow, I wish I would have known that seven years ago" or "why didn't someone tell me that".   So, seven years later I wrote myself something that I wish I would have had.  

________

Life will change in bigger ways than you can ever imagine.  In the blink of an eye, it will all be gone and your worst nightmare will come true.  You will have to learn how to start over.  You can’t rebuild your entire life in a week and it will take time to feel whole again, try to remember that. 

You will find strength that you never knew you had.  Some days feels like you have to dig to the deepest part of your soul for your strength, but know that it is there.  There will be days that you don’t feel strong and you want to give up – don’t!  You are so much stronger than you look and feel, you MUST hold on to it!

Cherish every single moment, especially the small ones.  In your darkest hours, the small memories will get you through.  And much later in life, it will be the small memories that will allow your children to be a part of your past.  The small memories will help them to know the angels they never got to meet.

Grief is funny.  We all go through the same experience, but process it completely different.  Some will lash out in anger, some will withdraw and some will need to escape.  It’s okay.  There really isn’t a rule book for what you are going to go through.  You are allowed to be angry, sad, confused, scared and different – and so is everyone else.  Don’t let grief be the defining moment in relationships.

It is inevitable that you will change.  There are days you won’t recognize yourself.  You will be angry and you aren’t an angry person and you won’t like who that anger will make you become.  Let it go.  You can’t change what happens.  The day you release the anger, you will feel so much lighter.  Forgiveness will be an important word in your life.  Not only is it okay to forgive but it is essential, it will be the only way you can move on. 

People will continue to amaze you.  The generosity, kindness, love and compassion the people in your life show you will be mind blowing.  People will encourage you and lift you up.  People want to be there for you, let them.  I know you have a hard time asking for help, but do it.  You can’t do this on your own, let the people that love you in.  Having your loved ones around you will be only way you can survive this.  Learn to speak the words “I need you” and you will be surprised in all the ways people will be there for you. 

It’s okay to cry.  It’s a release.  Crying isn’t a sign of weakness.  Learn to do it more.  Perhaps if you cried more often and released it, seven years later you wouldn’t feel like you could break down at any moment.

Talk about them.  When someone dies, they become a taboo subject.  People think that by not mentioning them it will hurt you less, the reality is it will hurt you more.  Memories will only live on for as long as you let them.  Your children will NEED to hear the funny stories, the sad stories and the every day stories.  Continue to talk to people as though they were alive, encourage communication, recall stories, celebrate their life. 

Love is so powerful.  You will find love in the most unexpected places.  You will find love from family, friends, strangers and people that will surprise you.  Hold on to that love.  Know that they love they feel for you isn't because of pity, but because they care.  The love you will find, both old and new, in the next seven years will be your lifeline.

In your children, you will see the best of them.  There will be a smile, a look or a laugh and the memories will come flooding back.  You will see the heart of your mom and the mind of your father.  You will hold them and know that they handpicked each of them for you.  They filled them will love and life, long before they sent them to you.  

________

I am a mess of emotions today.  In one moment I feel like I am holding it together and in another moments I am just a girl that misses her Mom and Dad.  

I know that I will get through today.  I know that looking at my boys and loving them will help.  I know that the love, prayers and thoughts I feel from all of my friends will sustain me.  

I love you, Mom and Dad and miss you in ways that I never imagined possible.

Six Years

Dear Mom and Dad,

Today marks 6 years since you have been gone.  There are times when it feels like the past six years have flown by in the blink of an eye and there are times when it feels like an eternity has passed.  I just can’t believe 6 years have come and gone without you here.

There are days that I wake up and it still seems unreal to me that you aren’t here.  I know you see me reach for the phone to call you when something exciting happens or when something sad happens.  And I know that you see the disappointment in my eyes when I realize I can’t call you to share the news.  Those moments are becoming less frequent, but each time they happen it takes my breath away.

This year has been full of so many highs and lows.  I would have given anything to have you by my side through it all.  There were so many moments where I needed a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen to me or just a nod of reassurance.  I know you hear me and I know you are still guiding me in the right direction, but it isn’t the same as having you here in person.

Your second grandson made his appearance this year, but you already knew that.  I know you spent time with him before you sent him to Larry and I.  Jaxon is a joy – one of the happiest babies you will ever meet.  When he smiles, his whole face lights up and the crinkle in his nose melts my heart every time I see it.  He made quite an entrance into the world.  He scared us for the first few hours of his life – I was a ball of nerves, praying to God and the both of you, to make sure my baby was okay.  In the moments of uncertainty, I had a sense of calmness about me – I know that was the two of you.  I know you held him in your arms the whole time he was in the NICU.  I know you sat by his bed every moment he was away from me, guarding and protecting him.  You watched him get stronger and gave me the strength that I needed. 

Alex is growing like a weed.  He is changing everyday and becoming such a good kid.  He has a tender heart and such an eagerness to learn.  He is athletic and smart and Larry and I are so blessed.  Of course, he isn’t perfect.  We have our trying moments as well.  It is in those moments, that I laugh and think of the smile you are getting on your faces watching me deal with him!  There are so many qualities of the two of you I see in him.  His “attention to detail” that he gets from you, Dad!  And his compassion and empathy that he gets from you, Mom!  He knows all about the two of you.  He knows how you lived, how you loved, who you were and how much you love him.  We talk about you all the time and remind him that even though you aren’t here on Earth, you are in Heaven watching him.  Please keep guiding him and protecting him, Lord knows he needs it!

We lost Larry, Jr. this year.  I know he is with you two and he is watching over us as well, but it was so unexpected and it completely rocked our world.  I wonder if the two of you were just as shocked to see him walk into Heaven, as we were to lose him?  I know that there are reasons for everything, but I still am not sure why God keeps taking the people we love.  My heart breaks for Larry because this road is all too familiar and it is such an unpleasant road to travel.  He is hurting and the hurt goes much deeper than anyone can see.  I wish that I could take his pain away, but I know that isn’t possible.  I pray that you were with Larry Jr. in his final moments and that you were there to welcome him into heaven. I pray that you were with my Larry in those moments of fear when he first learned that Larry Jr. had died and I pray that you both are with him everyday when he hurts and needs you. 

Mom, there are so many times in the last six years that I have needed you.  I have had questions that have gone unanswered and experiences that I wanted you to share with me.   No one will ever understand how difficult it is to become a good wife and mother without having your own mother to guide you.  I know I have many faults, but I hope that you are proud of me and the woman I have become.

Dad, you have no idea how much I miss you each and every time Alex has an “OCD” moment.  I know it is you that is laughing while he has to have his animals “just right” before going to bed.  You would love these boys more than you ever thought possible.  They have a way of wrapping you around their finger with just a smile and a giggle.  I never understood just how much you loved me until I gave birth to Alex (and Jax) – it is an incredible, unexplainable love.  Thank you for loving me in that special way and for teaching me how to love my boys in the same way.

There are moments when my heart physically aches for the fact that you never got to hold your grandsons.  You never got to kiss their chubby cheeks and tickle their tiny feet.  I cry knowing that they will grow up never having been read a story by either of you or will never feel your warm embrace.  Those are the moments when this all seems so unfair.  Those are the moments when I cry to God and ask Him “why”.  And those are the moments I trust in Him that there was a reason for this and a plan that only He can comprehend.

Mom and Dad, I know it is you holding my hand and comforting me when I am crying so hard that it hurts to breathe.  When I am alone and hiding from the world, you are there, aren’t you?  I always hear how strong I am and how much people admire me, but the reality is I am weak and I hurt more than anyone knows.  I am strong because I don’t have a choice, breaking down every minute of every day just isn’t an option.  My world changed forever on October 22, 2005.  Nothing is how it was “supposed” to be.  Prior to that date, I could never have imagined my life without you - now living without you is my reality. 

I know you watch me from Heaven.  You give me strength on my weak days, you give me fight when I am being bullied and you have shaped me into the person that I am.  Thank you for continuing to guide me and protect me.  It is with your strength and guidance that I am able to live without you.

I love you both more than you will ever know.  I love you for who you were and who you continue to be.

Always,

Sarah

Five Years...

Even though I say it every year, I just can’t believe how quickly time is passing us by.  I really cannot believe that 5 years has passed.  At times, it feels as though it has gone by in the blink of an eye and other times that it is creeping by and each moment since that day feels like an eternity.

So much has happened in my life in five years.  It is on days like today when I stop and pause, that I realize just how much they have missed out on.  My heart aches for this incredible, wonderful and amazing life of mine that they will never know.  

In five years, Larry has graduated from college and found his dream job, we moved to Enterprise and bought our first house, we went on our first “real” vacation (a cruise in 2007), we had Alex and have since celebrated his first 3 years, we moved to Maryland for a year, Larry got accepted to and successfully graduated from Test Pilot School, two of my grandfathers passed away, we sold our house in Enterprise, we moved to Huntsville and bought our second house and we found out we are having our second child (another boy!).  And those aren’t even just the day-to-day to things!

Even though so much has changed, there are often times when I feel like I am standing still in those few days after they first died.  I cry (often and usually when no one is around), I still have trouble sleeping, I am not good in the car (just ask anyone who is driving me around) and I have this irrational fear that the people I love most in this world are going to leave me.  It continues to amaze me how much can change, yet how much stays the same.

I miss them, everything about them.  I miss the things I took for granted – knowing that they were never more than a phone call away, seeing them on our weekly “double dates”, hearing that they love me everyday, seeing the smile on their faces, feeling the love between them and mostly just being their daughter.  Too often we take these things, the things we forget to cherish in our everyday lives, for granted and when they are gone these are the things we miss the most!

Daily, I imagine them here and I’m not sure if that helps to heal my heart or if it just breaks it further.  I imagine them playing with Alex, rubbing my growing belly, listening to Larry talk about his job and being so proud of him, enjoying our dates on Friday night (although seeing me would not be their priority anymore) and so much more.  But thankfully it is in those moments when my imagination gets the best of me and the tears flow down my cheeks, that I can feel them.  I know they are around me, I know that they are guiding me through life and I know they are smiling down at us.  Even though I know all of these things, not having them here to experience it, hurts.

I see them in Alex everyday.  They shine through in his ugly feet, silly cowlick and his OCD nature (all from my dad) and in his chubby cheeks and incredible smile (courtesy of my mom).  For these few things, I am thankful – they make my heart smile everyday.  I can’t wait to see what traits they decide to send down to our second son!

Death has taught me so much about life – kind of a crazy thought!  I have learned the importance of telling people how much they mean to you.  I have learned how the small stuff really is small and not to let it come between your relationships.  I have learned how to fight for what is important to me.  I have learned to love in spite of it being absolutely terrifying.  And I have learned that I am so much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. 

I love you, Mom and Dad!  I miss you with everything in me!  Thank you for watching over Larry, Alex, our new baby boy and me.  I know that you have been beside us in every step of our journey for the past five years and even more importantly, I know that you will continue to be beside us!

Grandma Kathy's Birthday Celebration

For Grandma Kathy's birthday, we got her two balloons - a "Happy Birthday" one and a "Cars" one! Bet you can't guess who picked out the "Cars" balloon?! We also got a six-pack of cupcakes from a local grocery store (not nearly as good as Publix cupcakes, but they served their purpose).

After lunch, we sang "Happy Birthday" and ate the cupcakes. Alex loved that part! I'm sure that you can tell that from the pictures :) At naptime, I read Alex the book by Dr. Suess called "Happy Birthday to You". It is a book that we only read one people's birthdays! We waited until after naptime to send the balloons up to Grandma Kathy, and like always, it was so very bittersweet for me!

Alex still doesn't understand why we are sending balloons to heaven, but he is now starting to wave bye-bye to them and saying "lub you"! I am excited for the day that I will be able to explain to Alex why we send balloons to heaven and who we are sending balloons to!

Here are some pictures from the day:

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Happy Birthday, Grandma Kathy!

Happy Birthday, Grandma Kathy!

Today, we should be singing Grandma Kathy “Happy Birthday” over the phone. Today, we should be calling Grandma Kathy and reminding her that she is 51 years old. Today, we should be thanking God for another year with Grandma Kathy.

Unfortunately, we won’t be doing any of these things today. Instead of calling Grandma Kathy to tease her about her 51st birthday, we will be sending a balloon to her in heaven. Instead of singing her “Happy Birthday” over the phone, we will do it quietly before naptime (or when we wake up in the morning, or before bedtime, or at any random times throughout the day). And instead of thanking God for another year with Grandma Kathy, we will be thanking Him for all of the years that we were able to celebrate with her.

Today, I will tell our son about the Grandma he will never know. I will tell him about the way she laughed and made everyone around her laugh. I will tell him about how her smile could light up a room. I will tell him how much she loves him and how much she will always love him – something that death will never erase! Today, we will celebrate the life that Grandma Kathy lived and the legacy that she left behind.

It is days like today that I miss my parents more than I can ever explain. These are the days that my heart aches and I just want them back. But, these are the days that I hold our little boy just a little bit tighter and hug him just a little bit longer. And these are the days that I will cuddle with Alex and let him remind me how he is our precious gift from both God and from Grandma Kathy and Grandpa Jim.

Happy Birthday, Mom! Enjoy your day in heaven and know that we are celebrating you here on Earth. Not a minute goes by that you aren’t thought of and loved. I miss you more than I ever dreamed possible. Thank you for being the best Mom that a girl could ask for, but most importantly, thank you for being MY Mom. I love you with all my heart!

Four Years

October 22, 2009...

Another year has passed. Another year of joys and sorrows. Another year of celebrations, milestones and mourning. Another year of growth and change. Another year of missing, longing and loving. Another year without them!

They have been gone four years … FOUR YEARS! It just doesn’t seem possible. There are days when it feels as though time has passed in the blink of an eye and other days when it feels like the hours, minutes and seconds are dragging on. Four years later, I can still recall every detail about that day and it plays in my mind like a (bad) movie! I miss them every minute of every day.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of them or wish I could call them. But today, on the anniversary of their death, it is even more apparent they are not with me. Today, I will live my life in the past, remembering exactly what I was doing four years ago today. I will re-live each agonizing minute, not because I want to, but because that is just what I do. I will remember watching the Alabama vs. Tennessee game, oblivious to the fact that my parents had left this life! I will remember the phone calls that I received, the people that were there to comfort me and the way that I felt. I will remember waiting in my car – knowing that my life was about to change, but trying to prolong it as long as I could. I will remember the exact words that the policemen told me and the scream that followed. I will remember throwing down my keys, running down the stairs and sitting on the curb near our apartment – I was breathing in the cool night air to keep myself from passing out or throwing up! I will remember the look of horror on Larry’s face the moment he told me that my parents had been in an accident and they didn’t make it. I will remember the crying, not just from me, but from everyone around me – people that loved and respected them so very much. I will remember feeling like I was living a nightmare and knowing for sure that I would wake up, but I will definitely remember the phone call from my Aunt the next morning reminding me that it was not a nightmare … it was my life!

This year has been difficult for me – something that is hard for me to admit! I don’t know if it is because we three (Larry, Alex and I) have gone through so much change, or if it is because I am watching my son grow up and realizing they will never be here to experience it or if it because I miss them … plain and simple! Regardless of the reason, the missing, heartache and hurt is still there, day in and day out!

I miss seeing my Mom’s beautiful face, hearing her sweet voice and calling her at any time of the day or night and her being there. I miss my Dad’s infectious laughter, his quiet and calming presence and his intelligence. I miss knowing they were there for me … always! I think too often in life, we take for granted what is right in front of us, never realizing what we had until it is gone!

My heart hurts knowing what they are missing out on. It hurts to know that Alex will only know them through stories, pictures and videos. No matter how much I explain it to him, he will never know what their embrace feels like. While he will hear their voices on video, he will never hear them say his sweet name. And of course he will be surrounded with pictures of them, but he will never SEE them and be near them.

My heart hurts knowing how proud they would be of Larry and all that he is accomplishing. I know that my Dad would be telling everyone ALL about TPS and all about his “son” being in it! I know they would be excited for Larry and with Larry. I know they would be celebrating this journey with us. What I wouldn’t give for them to be here!

My heart hurts for me. For all that I need them to be here for; for all that I want them to experience with me; and for missing them just as much as I do! While I know that life is never fair, this just seems especially unfair to me. It seems unfair that there was so much more life they had left to live, so much more they needed to be here for and so much that they are missing out on!

My heart hurts for my family. They are missing their daughter, sister, aunt, son, uncle and brother. We are missing such an integral part of our family – a thread that held us tightly together. Their loss is just as hard as mine and they are experience the same sadness I am. My family aches for the pieces that are missing from our lives – there is nothing that will ever fill the hole that my Mom and Dad left.

Every day I rock Alex to sleep at naptime. That is our special time together. I love singing him to sleep (while my voice is not that great – he loves it and that is all that matters). I love feeling him snuggled up on me. I love feeling his little body go limp as he falls asleep and hearing his breathing go deeper. I love smelling his sweet, toddler smell and giving him soft kisses. But today, as I was rocking him to sleep I started looking at the picture of my Mom and Dad that we keep in his room and started crying. And instead of singing sweet lullabies to my son, I was telling him all about his Grandma and Grandpa. Because Alex is repeating so much more of what we say now, he softly whispered “nandma” and “nandpa”, which made me start crying even more!

What makes me most sad? Alex is missing out on one of the biggest parts of his life and he doesn’t even know it! He will never know Grandparents that would love him more than life itself. He will never know the way they would spoil him, both with love and with presents. He will never know the safety and security you are supposed to feel when you are around them!

I know that they are always around me. I know that they are giving me signs to show me they are still very much a part of my life. And in my dark days, that gives me comfort! I guess I am just missing them today. I am missing all that they were and everything that they were to be!

I love you, Mom and Dad! You are such a big part of my life … today and always!

Bye-Bye Balloon

In our house, we send balloons up to Grandma Kathy and Grandpa Jim in heaven. We buy special balloons on their birthdays and the anniversary of their death, go outside and wave good-bye to the balloon.

For my birthday, Amanda, Josh and the cats sent me an Edible Arrangement along with an "I Love You" balloon attached to it. The Arrangement came during Alex's naptime, so it was dinnertime before he saw the balloon. As soon as he saw it, he took it to the sliding glass door, pointed outside and said "bye-bye balloon". It made my heart smile that he knows what we do with balloons and it makes me really happy to know that eventually he will know the reason why.

After dinner, we took the balloon outside, let it go, told Grandma and Grandpa that we love them (or "buv you", in Alex-speak) and said and waved bye-bye to the balloon! I suppose that it was only appropriate to send up a balloon to my parents on my 30th birthday. I love that we have this special tradition and I love knowing that it keeps the memory of my Mom and Dad alive!

Here are some pictures of us releasing the balloon:

Alex and the balloon:

Watching the balloon float up the Grandma and Grandpa:

Showing Daddy where the balloon is:

In the middle of saying "buv-you" and waving:

Bye-bye:

32 Years!

Love begins in a moment, grows over time, and lasts for eternity. ~Anonymous


Love is something eternal; the aspect may change, but not the essence. ~Vincent van Gogh

32 Years…WOW!

In a time when people struggle to stay married longer than a year or two, my parents would have celebrated their 32nd wedding anniversary today. The mere thought of that makes me smile and makes me so proud!

My parents weren’t perfect and they didn’t have the perfect marriage. They loved each other in spite of their flaws and celebrated the fact that they weren’t perfect. They had their ups and downs, good times and bad times, trials and triumphs, but through it all they stood by each other. They took the vows “for better or for worse” seriously and didn’t give up when times got tough. They stood together, side-by-side, facing whatever problems came along and because of that they were able to withstand anything that came their way.

My Mom and Dad loved each other so much and it was obvious to everyone around them. They worked to make their marriage strong – and it wasn’t something that they took for granted. Growing up, I never really remember them arguing. Not because they didn’t argue, but because they held strong to their belief that arguments were between the two of them, not for anyone else to be involved with. I liked that they sheltered me from that and I try to continue that within my own marriage.

Growing up, I never doubted two things: my parents loved each other and they loved me, both were unconditional and everlasting! I felt safe and secure knowing both of those things and I can only hope to give my child(ren) the same feeling.

I wonder how they would be celebrating today. Would they be having a quiet dinner at home? Would they go out to some restaurant? Would my Dad bring my Mom home flowers? Or better yet, would he surprise her with flowers sent to the house? Would my Dad give my Mom some extravagant present (meanwhile Mom would say that it was too much, but secretly love it)? Would my Mom give Dad something practical or give him something totally unexpected? While I wonder about all these “little things” that they would do to celebrate the day, I whole-heartedly know that they would be celebrating the love that they share and the memories made during the past 32 years.

There are times when I miss the both of them so much it hurts. I sometimes can’t understand why God didn’t let one of them stay with me. Why one of them can’t be here to comfort me when I miss the other and why one of them can’t be here to share in the important moments of my life? However, it is in those times that I am comforted by the fact that neither one of them has to experience a life without the other. My Mom and Dad had been together so long, that their lives were intertwined. Their lives were woven together so incredibly that they became one. God saw this and knew that they wouldn’t be able to live without each other. God knew that neither one of them could have lived with the pain of losing the other. God knew that taking them together was the best thing for THEM! It hurts more than I can ever explain to be left here without them, but watching either one of them suffer without the other would have hurt even more. They are together, proving that love is everlasting and unconditional.

Happy 32nd Anniversary, Mom and Dad! Thank you for showing me what a marriage is. Thank you for allowing me to grow up never having to worry about the two of you and your marriage. Thank you for showing me that life won’t always be easy, but standing by your spouse will always make things easier to withstand. Thank you for showing me what unconditional love is. I miss you both more than you will ever know, but take comfort in the fact that you are together. I love you!

Happy Birthday, Grandma Kathy!

Happy Birthday, Grandma Kathy!

Today is Grandma Kathy’s birthday. She would have been 50 years old – WOW!! I’m sure she would not enjoy the fact that I just shared her age with all of our readers…oh well! Today, as is the same with every birthday, we will sing her “Happy Birthday” and send her a balloon up to heaven. Sending balloons is something that Larry and I have done every year since they have been gone and something that I hope Alex will look forward to as he gets older.

As I did on my Dad’s birthday, I am going to try to use this day as a day to celebrate my Mom and the life that she lived. My Mom was an incredible woman. A woman with the kindest heart and warmest embrace. She had a welcoming spirit about her – I really believe that she never met a stranger. Those who knew her instantly became her friend. My Mom loved with her whole heart, she loved her husband, daughter, mother, sister, brothers, nieces and nephews more than words can describe. For those of us that she loved, we never had to doubt it or wonder because she ALWAYS made sure to let us know how much she cared for each one of us. My Mom was my best friend – she was someone that I always knew my secrets were safe with, someone I knew I could confide in and someone I could be me around. She comforted me on days that I was down, gave me hope when I needed it and believed in me when I ceased to believe in myself. My mom is the person that molded me into the woman that I am today. I am so lucky – I have an amazing woman that I am honored to call “My Mom”!

I cry today for all that is missing from my life. I cry for the birthdays that we no longer get to celebrate, for the holidays that we are no longer a family. I cry for the days that seem to drag on and on. I cry for the days that I just want to pick up the phone and call my mom – gosh, there have been so many days within the past 13 months (Alex’s age for those of you that are wondering) that I have NEEDED her and NEEDED her advice. I cry for the fact that Alex will never know the incredible people that made me, me! I cry that he will never feel their kisses or hugs or have sleepovers or be spoiled rotten by Grandpa Jim and Grandma Kathy. I cry because for as much as I want the days to get easier, they aren’t.

And when I feel like I have no more tears left, I smile! I smile because I was able to live 26 years with my Mom and Dad. I smile because of all the memories that I have – the memories that will allow my Mom and Dad to continue to live on. I smile because I know that when I feel like giving up, it is my Mom and Dad who are lifting me up and forcing me to continue on! I smile because I watch our crazy son throw toys across the room and know that my Mom and Dad would be here egging him on and laughing right along with him. I smile because I watch Alex and know that they sent him to me. I see glimpses of them in him all the time and nothing makes my heart smile more!

I love you, Mom! I love you more than I ever knew possible! I hope that you and Dad are having a wonderful 50th birthday celebration. You deserve the best and I am positive that Dad is making sure you receive nothing but the best. You are missed here, not just today but every day. Alex will always know you and know how much you love him. Happy Birthday, Mom!

Three Years

October 22, 2005.

Three years.

1,096 days.

It feels like a lifetime ago, yet the pain is still so fresh and raw. I can remember every detail of “that day” and recall every emotion that I felt.

In the past three years, I have grown and changed in ways that my Mom and Dad will never see. I have become so much more than they ever knew me as. I have become a better wife, a home owner and most importantly, a MOM! It makes me sad to know that they will meet the person that I am now – for it is now, I feel like I have become so much more than I ever gave myself credit for!

These past three years haven’t been easy. There were so many times that I have wanted to run and call them. I have needed to share with them the good news as well as the bad. I have picked up the phone and dialed their numbers, forgetting for a moment that they wouldn’t answer. There have many times that I have cried out to God and wondered why me!?! I have wanted to turn back the hands of time so many times – if only I could persuade them not to go out that day! There have been so many moments in the past three years that I would have given anything to have them back for, even for just a day! There have been many days where I have felt like giving up and it was in those days that my Mom and Dad inspired me and gave me the hope to continue on. I knew that as my angels they would see that for every sorrow I was experiencing, I would also experience a joy. I have taken heart and found strength in knowing that they would find a way to make sure I felt whole again (or at least mostly whole).

These past three years have been incredible, emotional, heartbreaking, amazing and unbelievable. It is crazy to know that I have pretty much felt every emotion under the sun! I have experienced unspeakable sorrow and unimaginable joy. I have picked myself up through my darkest days and I was rewarded with one of my happiest days. I have watched two of the most important people be taken from me and was given the gift of another.

Three years ago, I was not a mom – today, I am! My Mom and Dad provided me with the joy I needed and I see it every day in Alex’s eyes!

While I am proud of myself for overcoming the past three years with strength and perseverance, my eyes often fill up with tears for the future. As hard as these past three years have been, it is heartbreaking to know that I still have to live a lifetime without them. I will never be able to experience so many things with them. Things that other people that for granted. My Mom and Dad will never be able to hold my child(ren). My child(ren) will never be able to experience a life with Grandma Kathy and Grandpa Jim. If there was one thing in life that my parents were looking forward to, it was becoming Grandparents. I know that they would have taken that role VERY seriously. It hurts to know that there is so much of my future left and so much of my time here on Earth left without them. There are often times when that thought is so overwhelming and it actually feels like my heart is aching – a true and hurtful physical pain! However, it is in those times that I am gently reminded that I need to face my future, just as I have faced my past – ONE DAY AT A TIME!! It is with the strength of my husband, son and parents that I will carry on.

Someone recently asked me if I was happy with my life. The answer is so very bittersweet! I am happy with the person that I have become, the man that I have married, the son that I am raising, the home that we have created and the life that I am starting to live! However, there will always be a missing part of my life. The person that I am today, I don’t know if I would have been if they were still alive and after three crazy years, I can finally say that I like me and I like who I have become! So, the answer to that question… “Am I happy with my life?” Yes, mostly! I wish my life was exactly like it was today AND my Mom and Dad were still a part of it!

I pray every day that I am growing into a woman that they would be proud of and a woman that they would be happy to claim as their daughter. I pray that they are happy with the way that I am living my life. I pray that they continue to watch over Larry, Alex and I.

1,096 days.

Three years.

October 22, 2008.