Friday, October 22, 2010

Five Years...

Even though I say it every year, I just can’t believe how quickly time is passing us by.  I really cannot believe that 5 years has passed.  At times, it feels as though it has gone by in the blink of an eye and other times that it is creeping by and each moment since that day feels like an eternity.

So much has happened in my life in five years.  It is on days like today when I stop and pause, that I realize just how much they have missed out on.  My heart aches for this incredible, wonderful and amazing life of mine that they will never know.  

In five years, Larry has graduated from college and found his dream job, we moved to Enterprise and bought our first house, we went on our first “real” vacation (a cruise in 2007), we had Alex and have since celebrated his first 3 years, we moved to Maryland for a year, Larry got accepted to and successfully graduated from Test Pilot School, two of my grandfathers passed away, we sold our house in Enterprise, we moved to Huntsville and bought our second house and we found out we are having our second child (another boy!).  And those aren’t even just the day-to-day to things!

Even though so much has changed, there are often times when I feel like I am standing still in those few days after they first died.  I cry (often and usually when no one is around), I still have trouble sleeping, I am not good in the car (just ask anyone who is driving me around) and I have this irrational fear that the people I love most in this world are going to leave me.  It continues to amaze me how much can change, yet how much stays the same.

I miss them, everything about them.  I miss the things I took for granted – knowing that they were never more than a phone call away, seeing them on our weekly “double dates”, hearing that they love me everyday, seeing the smile on their faces, feeling the love between them and mostly just being their daughter.  Too often we take these things, the things we forget to cherish in our everyday lives, for granted and when they are gone these are the things we miss the most!

Daily, I imagine them here and I’m not sure if that helps to heal my heart or if it just breaks it further.  I imagine them playing with Alex, rubbing my growing belly, listening to Larry talk about his job and being so proud of him, enjoying our dates on Friday night (although seeing me would not be their priority anymore) and so much more.  But thankfully it is in those moments when my imagination gets the best of me and the tears flow down my cheeks, that I can feel them.  I know they are around me, I know that they are guiding me through life and I know they are smiling down at us.  Even though I know all of these things, not having them here to experience it, hurts.

I see them in Alex everyday.  They shine through in his ugly feet, silly cowlick and his OCD nature (all from my dad) and in his chubby cheeks and incredible smile (courtesy of my mom).  For these few things, I am thankful – they make my heart smile everyday.  I can’t wait to see what traits they decide to send down to our second son!

Death has taught me so much about life – kind of a crazy thought!  I have learned the importance of telling people how much they mean to you.  I have learned how the small stuff really is small and not to let it come between your relationships.  I have learned how to fight for what is important to me.  I have learned to love in spite of it being absolutely terrifying.  And I have learned that I am so much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. 

I love you, Mom and Dad!  I miss you with everything in me!  Thank you for watching over Larry, Alex, our new baby boy and me.  I know that you have been beside us in every step of our journey for the past five years and even more importantly, I know that you will continue to be beside us!

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