Thursday, October 22, 2009
October 22, 2009...
Another year has passed. Another year of joys and sorrows. Another year of celebrations, milestones and mourning. Another year of growth and change. Another year of missing, longing and loving. Another year without them!
They have been gone four years … FOUR YEARS! It just doesn’t seem possible. There are days when it feels as though time has passed in the blink of an eye and other days when it feels like the hours, minutes and seconds are dragging on. Four years later, I can still recall every detail about that day and it plays in my mind like a (bad) movie! I miss them every minute of every day.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of them or wish I could call them. But today, on the anniversary of their death, it is even more apparent they are not with me. Today, I will live my life in the past, remembering exactly what I was doing four years ago today. I will re-live each agonizing minute, not because I want to, but because that is just what I do. I will remember watching the Alabama vs. Tennessee game, oblivious to the fact that my parents had left this life! I will remember the phone calls that I received, the people that were there to comfort me and the way that I felt. I will remember waiting in my car – knowing that my life was about to change, but trying to prolong it as long as I could. I will remember the exact words that the policemen told me and the scream that followed. I will remember throwing down my keys, running down the stairs and sitting on the curb near our apartment – I was breathing in the cool night air to keep myself from passing out or throwing up! I will remember the look of horror on Larry’s face the moment he told me that my parents had been in an accident and they didn’t make it. I will remember the crying, not just from me, but from everyone around me – people that loved and respected them so very much. I will remember feeling like I was living a nightmare and knowing for sure that I would wake up, but I will definitely remember the phone call from my Aunt the next morning reminding me that it was not a nightmare … it was my life!
This year has been difficult for me – something that is hard for me to admit! I don’t know if it is because we three (Larry, Alex and I) have gone through so much change, or if it is because I am watching my son grow up and realizing they will never be here to experience it or if it because I miss them … plain and simple! Regardless of the reason, the missing, heartache and hurt is still there, day in and day out!
I miss seeing my Mom’s beautiful face, hearing her sweet voice and calling her at any time of the day or night and her being there. I miss my Dad’s infectious laughter, his quiet and calming presence and his intelligence. I miss knowing they were there for me … always! I think too often in life, we take for granted what is right in front of us, never realizing what we had until it is gone!
My heart hurts knowing what they are missing out on. It hurts to know that Alex will only know them through stories, pictures and videos. No matter how much I explain it to him, he will never know what their embrace feels like. While he will hear their voices on video, he will never hear them say his sweet name. And of course he will be surrounded with pictures of them, but he will never SEE them and be near them.
My heart hurts knowing how proud they would be of Larry and all that he is accomplishing. I know that my Dad would be telling everyone ALL about TPS and all about his “son” being in it! I know they would be excited for Larry and with Larry. I know they would be celebrating this journey with us. What I wouldn’t give for them to be here!
My heart hurts for me. For all that I need them to be here for; for all that I want them to experience with me; and for missing them just as much as I do! While I know that life is never fair, this just seems especially unfair to me. It seems unfair that there was so much more life they had left to live, so much more they needed to be here for and so much that they are missing out on!
My heart hurts for my family. They are missing their daughter, sister, aunt, son, uncle and brother. We are missing such an integral part of our family – a thread that held us tightly together. Their loss is just as hard as mine and they are experience the same sadness I am. My family aches for the pieces that are missing from our lives – there is nothing that will ever fill the hole that my Mom and Dad left.
Every day I rock Alex to sleep at naptime. That is our special time together. I love singing him to sleep (while my voice is not that great – he loves it and that is all that matters). I love feeling him snuggled up on me. I love feeling his little body go limp as he falls asleep and hearing his breathing go deeper. I love smelling his sweet, toddler smell and giving him soft kisses. But today, as I was rocking him to sleep I started looking at the picture of my Mom and Dad that we keep in his room and started crying. And instead of singing sweet lullabies to my son, I was telling him all about his Grandma and Grandpa. Because Alex is repeating so much more of what we say now, he softly whispered “nandma” and “nandpa”, which made me start crying even more!
What makes me most sad? Alex is missing out on one of the biggest parts of his life and he doesn’t even know it! He will never know Grandparents that would love him more than life itself. He will never know the way they would spoil him, both with love and with presents. He will never know the safety and security you are supposed to feel when you are around them!
I know that they are always around me. I know that they are giving me signs to show me they are still very much a part of my life. And in my dark days, that gives me comfort! I guess I am just missing them today. I am missing all that they were and everything that they were to be!
I love you, Mom and Dad! You are such a big part of my life … today and always!